Definition, please?

What exactly *is* an asshat?

Is it a hat one wears on one's ass?
or
Is it a hat worn on the head that resembles one's ass?

In either case, it seems the person wearing the asshat is the fool, not the person who *is* the asshat.

So why is it an insult to call someone an asshat?

Asking for a friend.

Same song, new verse

Okay, I know I've written about this at least twice before,but now I've figured out what my *real* issue is.

I have a friend who comes to visit this area occasionally, but she doesn't come to visit ME.
She has done this numerous times, and she doesn't even tell me she's here. I have written how bunched my undies have gotten over it.

 I understand it's a free country and she can visit or not visit whoever she damn well pleases.
And there are times I go into and out of a city without visiting everyone I know who lives there.
I get it.  That's fine.

But I've finally hit on what really upsets me:
Even though she doesn't tell me she's coming, and even though she doesn't plan to see me, SHE TAGS ME ON FACEBOOK ANYWAY.
What am I supposed to do with that?

"Hey, you busy?  Surprise!  I'm right over here!  See me?  Yeah?  Well, don't come over 'cause I'm having fun with these other friends that I drove 400 miles to see, not you. 'kay, this was fun!  Bye!"
(I may be paraphrasing somewhat.)

You're right.
I need to stop... referring to her as my friend.

::adult Roses sits next to middle-school-aged Roses::

Mortarboard Designs

It'll be four years before I get to wear one, but I'm seeing pics of creative high school and college graduation caps now. ('tis the season)
And it's making me think about how to decorate my mortarboard when I finally get to cross the stage and accept my degree.

I'm a Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Firefly, and Games of Thrones fan.  So these are pretty cool.

I know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm a "mature" student. (already have an AARP card next to the student ID in my wallet)  I'm older than some of my teachers. I hope to graduate before I retire.
I currently work in website development and online marketing.
My degree will be in Public Relations.
I think yarn should be involved somehow.

In the end, I may just go with something like this:

Until then, I'm open to suggestions.
What should my college graduation cap look like in 2020?

The One With The Stolen Opening Credits

Way back when the NBC TV show "Friends" was new, its opening credits bothered me.
I thought it was a straight up rip-off of the opening credits for another TV show that had starred Ellen Degeneres.

Not the theme song.
The thing that was ripped off was the part that has all the friends sitting together on a couch with a lamp outside in the park.

Plus, I was annoyed by the name of the show.
I was pretty sure that Ellen's sit-com had a title that was similar to "Friends".  Specifically, I thought her show had been called "These Friends of Mine" or "These So-Called Friends of Mine".  But by the time NBC's "Friends" premiered, Ellen's ABC show was being called "Ellen", and I didn't yet care about the internet, so I had no search magic to help me prove anything.  And I eventually convinced myself I had been mistaken.

Well, I recently started binge-watching "Friends" on Netflix, and the whole couch in the park with the lamp thing started getting on my nerves again. This time, I went to the www, and I HAD BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG!

My query "wasn't ellen degeneres in a tv show called these friends of mine?" brought me this answer:  Yeah. There was a show called "These Friends of Mine", and Ellen Degeneres was one member of an ensemble cast.  However, her character was so strong, the show was reworked putting her character in the forefront, and it was renamed "Ellen".

Further digging found that "These Friends of Mine" aired on ABC beginning in March of 1994.
The sit-com "Friends" premiered on NBC September 1994.
So, if anyone ripped off anyone, it was NBC ripping off ABC.

And I continued to search for videos of the opening title sequences. 

At the very end of the opening credits, characters from both shows are on a couch.  Outdoors.  With a lamp.
Maybe this bothers me way more than it should, but watch the two show opens yourself, and tell me if you worked at ABC and had put together the opening sequence, wouldn't you think NBC had kinda sorta ripped off your really cool idea? 

Here's the one from "These Friends of Mine/Ellen":





And here's the one from "Friends" six months later:




For most of two decades, I've known this.
And now you can never *not* know it.

You're welcome.

Answer: It's time to get a clue.

Scenario:  You text a friend in your time zone at 6:30 in the morning on a weekday.  Your friend replies with a text that is nothing more than the current time.  Assuming your original text was not asking your friend what time it is, you should assume which of the following:

A) You have woken your friend, and he/she assumes you did not realize how early it is and is kindly alerting you to the hour.  You need to revert to radio silence and wait for your friend to respond further before you send another text.
B) It is an auto-corrected message, and your friend meant to type something else.  You should respond with "What?"
C) Your friend has confirmed that he/she is awake, and you can continue to send texts.
D) If your friend had wanted to be undisturbed, he/she would have turned off his/her phone overnight.  (Hint:  This one is always wrong.  This friend might have work or family responsibilities that require him/her to be available for emergency contact 24/7.)

This is an open book quiz.
Feel free to survey the audience.
Or phone a friend.

No Leg to Stand On

I bought a new pair of jeans because my current pair of jeans has a small stain on the right thigh.  Most people probably wouldn't notice the stain, but I know it's there.  I see it on my lap everytime I sit down.

So, I bought a new pair of jeans just like the first pair.

Two days later, there's a small stain on the right thigh of the new jeans.
I have no idea what I rubbed up against or dropped in my lap.

So, now I have two perfectly good pairs of jeans with identical stains.

I don't have a funny punch line for that, although I think there should be one.
What have you got?

Budget cuts as a reason for poor service

She told me she was unable to help me because of budget cuts, and there's a backlog of work, and there's just no one who can help me.

Really.

Can you guess which profession employs this woman ?

Mm, pretty sure it's not the service profession.  Never, EVER have I hear anyone use budget and staff cuts as a reason to not give me service.  An overworked waitress covering twice her number of tables because half the staff was stranded by winter weather has NEVER said she can't help me.  She might apologize for a long wait and have smart management that gives free desserts to make up for it, but the service sector has never flat out told me they can not help me.


Let me back up a step and say that she probably was very overworked, and there probably IS a huge backlog of work with no one to take care of it.
That's not my beef.

I've just never heard "budget cuts" as an excuse from the private sector at all.
Ever.

Have you?  If so, in what context, from which profession?

Texting Lane for Drivers

The Husband came up with a great idea today.
You've heard of carpool lanes, passing lanes, and turning lanes.
He suggests a special separate texting lane for drivers who want to text and drive.

 It's one lane down the middle of the road... for both directions.

How to Hide a Candy Stash

My candy stash was discovered this week, and I found myself wondering again, "Where can I hide my candy so my kids and husband can't find it?"

It's not that I'm greedy.

Just, sometimes, I buy a special kind of treat that is maybe more expensive or maybe a little more decadent than a simple bag of Hershey Kisses. And I don't want the people I love to snarf it down like it's a bowl of popcorn.

Here's a list of ideas I've used.  What other suggestions do you have?

1) Feminine Supplies

One popular hiding spot is the tampon box.  No male would ever think of looking there, and I suspect that any male who knows there is something secret hidden in the box would never touch the tampon box to get it.
The tampon box is a good hiding spot for a lot of things.  Money, a small notebook, credit cards would all be hidden well there.

Exceptions:

If you live with women, however, this hiding spot may be discovered easily.
Plus, I'm not fond of keeping food in the bathroom. So, this is not a place I can hide my candy.

2) Containers of Food Only You Consume

For a long time, I managed to keep my candy stashed in a powdered chai can right next to The Husband's coffee.  No one ever drank chai but me.  No one else ever opened the can.  No one suspected anything even though there were always two chai cans up there.  They all assumed I kept a spare so I'd never run out.

You can hide almost anything in a food container that no one else opens.  Diet food packages or specially flavored coffee/tea are good options.  "Grown up" breakfast cereal boxes are great for hiding things from small children.  If there's no cartoon character on the box and no sugar in the package, they will avoid it like bathtime.
I kept candy in a box that used to contain snack bars that the boys didn't like.  Kept it right there in the cupboard next to all the other snacks.  I watched the boys pick up that box, look behind it for something tasty, and put it right back on the shelf without knowing a thing about its inner secrets.  The only reason this spot isn't still in regular use is because The Husband found it... and he started eating my chocolate*.

My chai hiding spot was only found out because my family members are so darned thoughtful and considerate.  One morning The Husband and Younger Son were working in the kitchen while I was minding my own business reading the newspaper at the table.  The Husband asked if I wanted some chai, and before I could say anything, Younger Son reached into the cupboard to get the can down for me.
The can of powdered chai... rattled.
Game over.

3) Personal Hobbies and Crafts

Ain't none of the men in my house gonna go looking through a basket of yarn.  They'll never find the Ziploc baggie of chocolates buried in the bottom of that pretty mess.

*Important Note:

The secret to keeping your stash a secret is to make it appear there is nothing hidden to begin with.
Once your stash is discovered and you need to change it, leave a decoy in the place that was found.
That box of snack bars the boys don't like that The Husband eats from?  I keep a handful of candy in there just to make him think that's still where I hide candy from the boys.  He has no reason to go looking anywhere else.

Don't Send a Text at 6am, dammit

It never fails.
I had a rough night.  At 2am, I gave up, turned off my alarm, and decided I would just sleep in and go to work late today.

Always on mornings like this, a "friend" will text me half an hour before my alarm would have gone off if I'd had it on.

Why do people think it's okay to send a text at an hour when they would never, ever consider it okay to make a phone call?

I know what you're thinking. "If you don't want to be disturbed, turn off your phone."

That's a perfect solution for someone who does not have children or elderly relatives.  That only works for someone who is not responsible for anything other than him/herself.  Yes, I'm extremely envious that you don't have anything better to do in the middle of the night besides sleep.  I will never, ever have that luxury again, because I will always have children for whom I will always want to be available at any hour of the day or night.

How about people just having some freaking sense of time and decorum?

I hate people today.
Everybody sucks.

When I grow up...

Just for kicks, I'll throw this out there...

I'm thinking of going back to school.
I have an associate's degree in business with an emphasis in marketing and management.  This degree is now a couple decades old.
Also, while I have no formal training in the field, I have twenty years experience in radio broadcasting.
I have an obvious interest in writing.  I have no interest at all in sales... even if it's called "account representative".  Blech.

Given what you know (or feel you know) about me, what kinds of careers should someone with my background look into?
I'm just curious what you think.  There are no right or wrong or bizarre answers to this question.  I'm open to all ideas and suggestions.
If I knew what I wanted to do, I'd have been working toward it for quite some time.  But at least now it feels like it's time to make a start.

Go...

Hello? Is anyone there?

Here's a question for you:

Would you rather find out the building you work in has ghosts living in its attic... or homeless people living up there?











Because the building I work in is rumored to have both.

The Evolution of Shoes

I think the most interesting thing is I'm looking forward to buying new shoes.

I used to have women's shoes.
You know, things with heels that made my ankles and legs look pretty.
Things I wore with dresses and skirts and other clothing that made me look like a girl.

But, after a year at the radio station, my wardrobe began to evolve.
The studio was far too breezy and cold to wear dresses and skirts. 
They were the first to go.
I purchased a wardrobe full of slacks to cover my legs.

It took some time, but eventually I came to realize how cold your whole body can get when your feet are cold.  And your feet get cold when cold breezes constantly blow over them.
So, I bought socks.
And as my pretty shoes wore out, I replaced them with shoes that I could wear with socks.
Sensible shoes that looked comfortable but not what you'd call "pretty".

Which is all well and good until weddings and awards banquets happen.
And all I've got is "work clothes".  The few dresses I kept "just in case" were just fine, but I no longer had shoes to go with them.
Last summer I bought a pair of capri slacks... because I wanted them and they were fabulous.  It wasn't until I got them home and took the tag off that I realized I didn't have any shoes to wear with them.

Out of necessity, I bought one pair of black flats.  "Just in case."
You can find them in my closet buried under a pile of boots and sensible shoes.

One might wonder why I didn't simply turn up the thermostat.
Simple:  the room has no thermostat.  In fact, few rooms in the entire building have one.

Then, one might wonder why I didn't simply ask for the heat to be turned up (or the AC to be turned down).
I did.
Many times.
I kept a chart of the bizarre temperatures in the studio.  (Someone had placed a thermometer behind the control board.)
When I presented the chart to the general manager, he advised me to bring more clothes.
I wore turtle neck sweaters to work when the temperature was 90 degrees outside.
Nice.
|
The head maintenance guy tried to help by installing sheets of metal inside the vents to cut the flow of cold air into the studio.
But the morning guy, who is also the general manager with the helpful wardrobe suggestions, complained about the "whooshing" sound coming from the vents.  The head maintenance guy removed the metal pieces just hours after installing them... then sadly told me why later that day.

A few days ago a saleswoman account representative stuck her head in the studio to shout at me, "Oh my god, are you wearing a sweater?!?  It's like a hundred degrees outside!!"

So.
Here I sit with a closet filled with slacks and sensible shoes.
And one or two dresses that everyone in every celebratory situation has seen at least twice.

You understand, then, why I might look forward to buying pretty shoes.
Maybe a dress or two.  Or three.

The question is, why now?
Why might I think I could wear dresses and pretty shoes now when I haven't for the best of the last eight years?

The answer is... the opposite of the reason I stopped wearing them in the first place.
Can you guess?

They've finally adjusted the temperature of the studio?
Please.  The one time someone tried to do something for me, he was immediately ordered to undo it.

They've moved the studio equipment into a different room?
Uh no.  That would require spending money.

So, if nothing about the room has changed... what did?
???

Guess quickly before the weekend is over.
Go!

Spam...a lot

Spam comment I received recently:

"I tell you, I habitually get annoyed every time persons converse concerns that these persons observably don't recognize concerning. " - Anonymous


It looks like English, but it's not.

What's the point of spamming this kind of comment?  It doesn't lead me to another link or try to sell me anything.  What's the purpose? 
No, really, I want to know.

Need a boost

For no real reason, I slept poorly last night.
What do you do to perk up on days you're dragging?

Note: There's no way I can nap during the day... however, I've been awfully close to nodding off during slow moments of the talk show I produce.

Need your input...

I spent most of the weekend playing with plarn.
I have such a collection of it stored in the basement, thought I should finally make something of it.
I hoped there were enough Target shopping bags to make a nice, big tote bag... and there were.
So, I did.

I'm pretty happy with it, actually.
The Husband says it's the nicest one I've made so far.
(I think he even referred to it as "pretty" at one point.)
I think it looks like peppermint candy.

Here's where I need your input:
I don't know what kind of handles to put on it.
Short handles for gripping and holding the tote bag at your side?
Or...
Long handles for carrying the tote bag over your shoulder?

Take a look at the pics, and tell me what you think..

It measures roughly 13 x 10 x 6 inches.
The solid white color on the bottom is where the bag rests flat when it is upright.
The books are to give you a sense of the size of this tote bag.  (And a sense that I like Stephen King a little bit, I guess.)  Since the plastic is a little stretchy, I wouldn't recommend carrying *this* many books at once.
However, you could certainly pack a lot of clothing in it or carry vegetables home from the store.

I am also considering designing the next tote bag to have sides that grow increasingly larger as I work toward the top... much like a market bag or beach bag.

So, two questions:
1)  Short handles or long?
2)  Larger flared opening at the top or straight sides?

The One with the Bacon Game

We crossed paths in the driveway; I was just coming home from work, and The Husband was making a quick run to the grocery store.
He told me, "I'm getting bacon, milk, and coffee.  Do you want anything?"
"You had me at bacon."

The heavens opened, and the angels sang.
(I was inspired, you see.)

So here's the game:
Insert the word "bacon" into famous movie quotes.

You've already got the Jerry McGuire reference.  Here are a few more:

"You want the bacon?  You can't handle the bacon!" - A Few Good Men
"You made a time machine... out of bacon?!?" - Back to the Future
"Nobody puts bacon in the corner." - Dirty Dancing

Your turn!
Go...

"You might like..."

When book pushers libraries and on-line book outlets show me "If you like (fill in the blank), you might like...", they are never right.  I never like that other book.

If you like Harry Potter, you might like this other book with dragons in it.
Uh, no.  Actually, I dislike fantasy as a whole.  However, JK Rowling writes pretty.  Go away.

If you like Hunger Games, you might like this other book with teenagers, the apocalypse, and gory death scenes.
Nuh uh.  That's not what I liked about the Hunger Games.  I liked the game part of it and wondering who would win and how.  Does your apocalyptic tome have intrigue or just spectacular slayings?  Go away.

You?

Things I Wish I'd Known When I Started Blogging:

I wish I'd known that if I pick a blog name like AckThbbbt, I'd have to retype the letters a-c-k-t-h-b-b-b-t every time I log in, leave a comment on another blog, check my e-mail, send someone the link...
I'd have picked something shorter, for sure.

Your turn, go!

Play me.

Imagine I'm a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman.
What song does Paul Shafer play as I enter the theater?