Things I Learned in College

I learned:

1. How to write a decent media release.
   Before I took the college course, I thought knew how to write a press release. I even believed I knew how to write a very interesting one. I learned that I was wrong. Media releases aren't supposed to be fluffy and flowery; they are supposed to be factual and informative. They're not supposed to cleverly tease out the information, either; they're supposed to deliver the basic facts right up front. Now, when I read a fluffy, flowery release that doesn't include who, what, where, and when in the first paragraph, I get annoyed by the ignorance.
2. That youth is not an age as much as it is a culture.
   Does the younger generation speak a different language and have a different mindset from my generation? Sure they do. Is it wrong? No, it's just different. Different isn't bad; it's just different.
   While many of my peers were complaining about how "kids today" are whiny and entitled, I was learning how to work with them and understand their culture. I learned there are just as many young jerks as there are old jerks, just as many young lazy slackers as there are old lazy slackers, and there are just many quality young people as there are quality old people. In many ways, our two cultures are similar.
3. Time management.
   I had always considered myself a procrastinator because in most cases I would put things off if no one cared when they got done. However, I learned this isn't always an accurate label. Yes, I am better at completing a task when there's a deadline, but I learned that I'm also that annoying student who hands in assignments two weeks early when possible. I like to get tasks off my plate as soon as possible if there's any chance something might go wrong that might make me miss a deadline such as a computer malfunction or traffic congestion... or a last minute assignment that I missed on the syllabus.
   Furthermore, I learned that I can get a lot done if I can just get myself to start somewhere. Ten page term paper sounds huge and impossible while pick a topic sounds quick and easy; so I start with that. I learned to transfer this tactic to my home chores; do five loads of laundry sounds daunting but sort the colors sounds quick and easy. Lather, rinse, repeat.
4. More employers want to talk to you if you have a Bachelor's degree.
   The closer I got to graduation, the more invitations I received for job interviews. With a completed degree on the horizon, I turned into a finalist for several awesome positions. I'd gotten very few interviews based on experience alone. I had suspected a degree would improve my chances, but I really hadn't expected this much of an impact.
5. How to be nicer to myself.
   I didn't learn this in a classroom. I didn't even learn this from the campus counselor I'd been seeing regularly. It came to me one cold, winter night after class. My car was the last one left in the campus parking lot. It looked so alone and cold. As I settled into the driver's seat and caressed the cold steering wheel, I talked outloud to my car.
   "Let's get you home to a nice, warm garage," I told it. "Treat you nice after a long, cold day."
   At that moment, it occurred to me that *I* had had a long, cold day, too, but I hadn't attempted to comfort myself at all. I realized that I speak nicer to inanimate objects than I speak to myself. I hadn't realized until then just how severe my negative self-talk had gotten. The next morning when my alarm went off, my inner voice yelled it's usual, "Get up! Quit whining, you lazy baby. Go! Go! Go!" But I consciously shushed the yelling, and I thought about how sweetly I had spoken to my car the night before. From that morning on, I've made efforts to be nicer to myself, and it has been a game changer.
   

Things I Want to Do After May 18th, 2019

After five and a half years working full-time while pursuing a Bachelor's degree part-time, I will finally graduate on Saturday, May 18, 2019. The following is a list of things (in no particular order) that I want to do with my new-found free time beginning May 19th.

1. Reacquaint myself with this blog and its beautiful family of followers. In addition to writing more, I want to read more and catch up with everyone else. I have missed you guys.
2. Develop a healthy exercise habit that I can maintain for a lifetime now that my schedule won't be changing every semester.
3. Read. A lot. Books. Magazines. Blogs. If it's not a textbook, I want to read it. A lot.
4. Delete apps from my phone that are on there only because I used/needed them for school. The university made everyone download an alert app for the sole purpose of having a way to alert students and faculty of active shooter events on campus. It's a great idea, and fortunately they've never had to use it. But, it's sad that something like it needs to exist, and I'll be glad to be able to remove it from my phone.
   Conversely, I'd like to put Facebook Messenger back on my phone, not because I want it as much as because people keep sending me messages on it and I hate having to set up my laptop to see what the message is... which is almost always a stupid article someone mass sent to everyone on their friends list, thankyouverymuchfornothing. 
5. Design some crochet items that people will actually want to own. OMG, you guys, you wouldn't believe the amount of yarn I've accumulated over the past 5 years. Since I haven't had the time to use it, it's just been piling up. I have baskets full, and a cabinet full, and bags and bags of the stuff, yet I cannot stop buying more. Criminy, the stash of plastic bags I plan to turn into plarn is downright embarrassing.
6. Create an Etsy page to see if anyone would buy the crochet items I make.
7. See if selling crochet items at a craft fair would be as successful, rewarding, and fun as I imagine it should be.
8. Marie Kondo the heck out of my house. I watched the first season of her series on Netflix, and I'm inspired. I will probably break the rules and start with yarn instead of clothes.
9. Focus, for the first time, on the job I've had for the past 6 years without the weight and distraction of a class schedule and homework on my mind. When I worked in broadcasting, even when I was home relaxing, I was thinking of things I could do that would be awesome at work. I miss that, and I want to feel that way again. My current employer has never gotten that best part of me. He has been extremely gracious and flexible with my work schedule since the day I began working for him, and I think he deserves to finally have the kind of employee he always thought I could be.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Many apologies, my friend.
I can't remember the last time I posted an update for you.
The truth is, college has drained my brain. After spending my days at a full-time job and my evenings doing homework, I have nothing left for blogging. Not even during summer and winter breaks.

Have any of you ever given birth?
You know how between contractions you completely zone out and focus on recovering from the last one so you're ready for the next one?

Semesters have been like contractions.
And the breaks in between have been fully devoted to recovery and preparation.

Can you feel me?

But here's the good news:
After eleven contractions, I will give birth to a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communication with an emphasis in Public Relations THIS MAY.

"Pot of Old" by Roses - 2017

The painting to the right is the final assignment piece I submitted for an intro arts class two years ago. It's titled, "Pot of Old".
Can you tell that I was sad and tired when I painted it?
If you have trouble translating, those are all my classmates marching into the distance with their new jobs, gold balloons they got the end of their rainbow/college careers. That's me in the foreground wondering if there will be any good jobs left for me; but all I see are the wilted leftovers no one else wanted.

But I'm feeling much better about everything now. I've interviewed for several jobs already, and I think I'd have snagged one or two of them if only I'd been finished with school. The Husband is certain that any job I want will be mine once my schedule is truly free again.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's so close, I want to run.
Every reading and writing assignment I complete is one step closer to that graduation date. So, I've been working ahead as much as I can.
I am counting down the weeks. There are 13 left.

And this morning, I had the thought that I'd like to get back in the habit of regularly posting here.
Maybe I will be stress-free enough, finally, that the ideas will come back.
And maybe those ideas will be funny again.

That would be nice.

So, I'm just sending a note from school to let you know I'm doing fine.
I look forward to seeing you in the spring.

The Answer Is Black and White

Elder Son is studying Visual Arts in college. His semester began yesterday. We had this exchange...

Me: What class did you have today?
He: Lighting

Today was his second day of the semester. We had this exchange...

Me: What class did you have today?
He: (something I didn't quite hear but almost thought I did)
Me: Did you say Darkening?
He: No, "Marketing".
Me: Oh! Well, yesterday was Lighting, so hey, today you could have had Darkening.

He actually laughed at that one.

A Story with a Happy Ending

I met "Martin" about three years ago in a public relations class during my second semester of college when I was still dealing with self-esteem issues relating to being a really old woman in college.
Martin was the very last person to arrive for the fully-booked class, and the only empty seat was in front of me, so I could not NOT take notice of him.

But the reason I remember meeting Martin that day was because everyone in the class had to introduce themselves.  And when I mentioned that I had worked in radio and declared that it was kind of like having public relations experience, Martin turned around, pointed to himself then to me, and said, "You and me, we're partners.  Group project?  You and me."

Someone thought I was valuable? Someone wanted to work with me? Someone chose me?
I immediately wanted to be his friend.

A few weeks later, Martin started missing classes. I overheard another classmate mention that Martin hadn't been showing up in another class either; the rumor was that Martin's girlfriend was pregnant, and he had to drop out of college.

But, just last year in another public relations class, I found Martin once again occupying the seat in front of me. We didn't talk much throughout the semester. (I can tell you from experience that in college, you pay very little attention to classmates sitting behind you.) I also suspected he had long forgotten about wanting to be my partner in group projects.  However, Martin learned my name and gave me enthusiastic greetings whenever we passed elsewhere on campus.  He was charming, and nice, and as far as I could tell, a darned good student.

During that semester, an off-campus apartment building caught fire leaving most of its tenants homeless for several days.  I ran into Martin later that week.  He told me he lived in that apartment building, and now he and his wife and two-year-old twins were living in a hotel for a few days while repairs were being made.  He said they didn't need anything, but it sure was inconvenient.

Young guy.  Married with twins.  Home burned. Still grateful.

That's when I looked him up on social media and sent him connection requests on every medium. He accepted them all.

Martin graduated this past spring, but I ran into him in the campus library today.  He was walking with someone, and I got the impression he was helping this person find something.  As we passed, Martin held out his hand to me in greeting. As we shook hands, he leaned over and whispered to me, "I'm working in the library, Roses!"  He said it with the same awe that a small child would have told you that Santa Claus had come.
I had enough time to reply, "That's awesome!" and he was gone.

I turned and watched him walk away with the person he was helping.
And I wondered...

My friends, I was vague about the job I applied for in August. I told you it was a position at a library, but I didn't specify that it was at the campus library at the university I attended.
Could it be that I had been in competition with this brilliant fellow student?
I thought about it for a moment, and I quickly found the idea very pleasant and realized that I felt very good about the idea of having lost this job to Martin.  If anyone else was going to get it, I'd want it to be someone just like him.

Oddly enough, I had awkwardly bumped into the campus library director (the person in charge of hiring) just last week and exchanged a quick "Hi how are you" with him.
So, today, when I had a slightly less awkward run-in with the same library director, I asked him, "Did you hire Martin?"
The answer was yes.
I gave the director a sincere smile and congratulated him on the fine choice.
And the moment Martin wasn't busy, I went over and told him how happy I was for him.

I informed him that I had also applied for the same position, and we both conceded that it was an honor to have had such fine competition.


I sit here tonight feeling very happy for Martin.
I feel SO happy for Martin, that I've forgotten that I felt sad not getting that job.

His words, so full of joy and amazement, keep ringing through my mind.
"I'm working at the library, Roses!"
And I can't help but smile.

This is a story with a happy ending.
It's not my happy ending, but it is truly happy nonetheless.

Campus Hijinks with Younger Son

Younger Son and I are students at the same university. No, we do not commute together. No, we do not stop and chat on campus.  We learned early that a) he does not want to look like he needs to hang out with his mother, and b) I do not want to look *like* someone's mother.

So, we just don't.

We do cross paths once in a great while.  Usually, we make eye contact, Younger Son looks briefly horrified, and we move along without any other acknowledgement.

I asked him how much it bothers him that I'm at the same school as he is.  He said it doesn't bother him at all, said he forgets I'm there until he sees me.
Same for me.

One day as I crossed campus, I received a text just as I turned toward the library.  The text said, "Mwah-ha-ha."
And out of the corner of my eye, I saw Younger Son walking past.  He had been following me the entire way.

Another time, I was making my way from the parking lot to class when I saw Younger Son traveling perpendicular to me.  I quickly assessed that at our current speeds, we'd not only cross paths, but also likely bump into each other physically.
I pulled out my phone and texted, "On your right."
Neither of us broke stride as I watched him check his phone. He glanced up, and went back to his phone and sent, "Thanks."
He sped up, I slowed down, crisis averted.

Today after class, I spied him on a bench wearing earbuds and watching something on his phone. He was completely emersed in his little screen.
"I could totally sit next to him, and he wouldn't know it was me until it was too late," I thought to myself.
I got halfway to him, but turned around. While the action would be funny, it would break our unspoken rules of engagement. Eye contact, okay; direct contact, not okay.
Texting a message, okay; speaking a message, not okay.
I suddenly realized that we have somehow created a weird hybrid game of hide and seek and tag.
So, rather than take a seat next to my son, I took the longer route up a hill behind the bench.
I texted, "Smooch," then "Behind you." And never looked back.
His reply was, "Ugh."

:-)

Follow Along with the Class

The two students sitting in front of me were concerned about the textbooks they had purchased for our class since:
A) their textbooks didn't look the same as the book on the instructor's desk, and
B) the professor's online class notes for the first chapter didn't match the content of the textbooks that the students had bought.

I knew one of the students from a class we had together last semester, so I tapped him on the shoulder.

Me: You have the right book.  And no, the first couple of chapters don't match the notes.
He: Okay.  If Roses says we're good, I'll follow what Roses says.
Me: I also like to jump off cliffs.
He: Okay, I'm not cool with that.

One small step for Roses, one giant leap for Future Roses

The class assignment is to read four chapters in the Corporate Communications textbook and thoroughly answer all the questions at the end of just one of the chapters. We get to choose which chapter to work on.

My goal for today was to simply skim the 4 chapters and decide which one had the easiest questions to answer.
Baby steps, you know. First get to know the questions, then read the chapter, let the questions roll around in my head, and compose the answers another day.

I found the chapter I wanted to work on (Technology Processes) and reviewed the questions.  Pretty simple questions, but there were some terms I wasn't familiar with, so I skimmed the text to find them and highlighted them to make them easier to find later.

In the process of looking for those terms, I got an idea for one of the answers and penciled it in the margin.  Ran out of room in the margin, so I fetched a spiral notebook and jotted down more detailed notes.

Since I had the notebook open and the notes started, I figured I'd go ahead and outline the rest of the questions.  You know, as long as I had momentum going, might as well give myself a head start on the next step, right?

Long story long, I ended up reading the whole chapter (a full week before we'll review it in class) and composed all the answers in the notebook.

Aside from typing it, this assignment is done.

Boom.

Future Roses is gonna LOVE my ass. :-)

A Thank You Letter to Past Roses

Dear Past Roses,

Thank you for getting enrolled in college and starting us on the path to get that Bachelor's degree.
I know you wish you had done it sooner, but the important point is that you *did* it.  Thank you for doing that and not leaving it for me to take care of.

I appreciate how hard it was for you to get it done, too.
The online application process sucked eggs.
The vague communications that the school sent were frustrating and confusing.
I watched you weep on the phone while you tried to decide whether to sign up late for orientation or just wait one more semester to start.  Either choice would have been okay, honey, but you sucked it up and made the bold decision to just go for it.  (I admire you for that, by the way.  I am now more willing to step outside my comfort zone in order to move ahead.  Because *you've* done it, I know I can do it, too.)
It was also very good of you to refrain from smacking the snarky chick in orientation who made remarks about how your new campus email address was "right there" in that one confusing and frustrating letter.

The learning curve was steep.  You dug in and overcame it.

These were all small steps, but they added up to a big move forward.


I can't tell you just how grateful I am to you for getting me where I am today.
I have such a long way to go, yet, but if you hadn't done the hard work when you did, I'd have even farther to go from here.

Thank you, Past Roses.
You inspire me to do good things for Future Roses.

The photo that inspired this post.

Tuition Heavy Household.

As of Tuesday, three quarters of the Ack!Thbbt! household have become real live college students.

The Husband says he feels left out.

Last night and tonight, it has been a delight to talk about professors and class subjects with my sons and have them ask me the same questions back... with genuine interest.

This is a strange, and fabulous new world.

Group Projects, Part 2

When you email the members of your group class project so they know what they missed in class and that you'd single-handedly take care of the spontaneous group assignment the teacher came up with... and none of them bother to thank you for:
A) taking care of the assignment on behalf of the group, or
B) letting them know what they missed.

Bastards.

College Letter

Illness has been spreading across the college campus where I attend classes.
While I waited for class to start earlier this week, I heard this exchange between two students a few rows back.

One:  I heard that one of the students that came down with mono usually sits at that desk.
Two:  What?!?  Why did you wait until after I sat down?  I can't get sick!  I can't miss any more classes! I gotta raise my GDP!

Really?  You need to raise your Gross Domestic Product?
Perhaps you mean your GPA, Grade Point Average?
Reminds me of the woman who wanted to pay her college intuition years back.

Group Projects and Weakest Links

I've learned something this school semester about working as a group.
As the chain is only as strong as its weakest link, so a group is only as smart as its strongest member.

No matter how poor his/her idea is, the loudest, strongest-willed person in the work group will get his/her way over any smarter idea.  Anyone who knows better but is too timid to speak up will not be able to propel your group project in a positive direction.

It's not enough to surround yourself with smart people.
The smart people need to be the ones in charge.

All Shook Up

She:  (young college student) What's wrong with my computer?  It won't shut off.
Me:  Pick it up, and shake it like an Etch-A-Sketch.
She:  No, that's how you make babies stop crying.
Me:  Will you babysit my kids?  You can shake them all you want.
She:  How old are they?
Me: Eighteen and twenty.
She:  Are they cute?  Either of them taller than me?  I'm gonna look you up on Facebook and stalk your kids.  I'm gonna find out where they are right now.
Me:  If you can find them, let me know where they are.  I haven't seen them in days.

Random: First Day of the Semester 2015

If the only thing keeping you from going back to school to get/finish your degree is your fear that you are too old, set that fear aside.  Once you get onto a campus, you will find that no one cares how old you are except you.  Further, no one will notice how old you are unless you tell them.  They will assume you are just as capable as any other student... because you.are.there.  Just being there makes you equal.  It is liberating.

If this is something you want to do, you need to go do it.  Let yourself be amazed.

***

I couldn't get my campus email programmed into the new phone I got over Christmas break.  It was frustrating because I had managed to get my campus email onto my previous smartphone just fine last year even though I didn't know anything then.
I could have felt really old and stupid about this new phone.  Instead, I decided to stop wrestling with it and wait a few days for the semester to start so I could ask one of the younger students for help.  That's what I did first thing this morning.  I asked the gal next to me if she knew how to do it.   Amazingly, she had also just gotten a new phone over break and couldn't figure out how to get her campus email on it either.  The gal in front of us turned around and suggested we go to the campus IT Help department; that's what she had done.
So that's what I did after class.  When I walked in, there was already a student sitting with a tech guy getting her email set up on her phone.  And just to make me feel even better about it all, the guy who worked on my phone had to fiddle with it for quite some time before he got it functioning.

Technology.  It doesn't care how old/young you are.
Everyone has trouble with it.

***

I learned there is a great deal of traffic both to and from my college's city at 7:30am.
I also found that if you arrive on campus at 7:40am, you get your choice of parking spaces.
If you show up at 7:45am, not so much.

***

Three women from my fall semester class are in this semester's class with me. I had been in a small study group with two of them.  We all sat next to each other and chatted like peers.
... mostly about cell phones.  :-)

***

Our teacher spent most of today's first class with introductions.  He wanted to know what each student hoped to get out of his class.  I introduced myself as a transfer student from the 1980's.
"And I hope to learn how I'm supposed to be doing all the things I've been doing," I said.
"What have you been doing?" he asked.
"A lot of radio and on-line marketing."
"Interesting."

As he moved on to the next student, the two women from my study group turned to each other.
"Roses is on our team, again."
"Oh, definitely."

And the young man in front of me that I'd never met twisted around and mouthed, "You and me, partners."  And he winked.

Can I tell you?
These three people made me feel valuable.

No one in radio had ever made me feel like my experience was worth anything.

***

You need to go back to school.
Experience is valued there.

Do you feel valued?

***

On my way across campus to the IT department, I slowed at the crosswalk to let another student catch up to me.
As we proceeded to cross the street together, I told him, "I don't like making people stop for just one person."
"Me, either," he said.  "When I'm alone, I run across."
"Do you throw your hands up over your head and yell like Kermit the Frog while you do it?" (I don't know why this visual entered my head nor why I felt the need to share it.)
He replied, "No.  They usually stop."

I cracked up laughing.
I don't even know why that's funny.

***

During today's introductory class, the teacher said we'd need a copy of the 2014 AP Stylebook.
After class, I texted The Husband to ask if he had one at work or if he could get one for free anywhere.  He responded that he could get his hands on the 1997 version.

It helps to know that even though the AP Stylebook is updated frequently, most news rooms do not bother to purchase the newer versions.  (read: cheap, budget cuts)
It is both funny and sad that fully I believed The Husband's available Stylebook is, indeed, 17 years old.

Without The Husband for a source, I posted a public plea on Facebook:  "Quick, before I spend money on one, does anyone have a copy of the 2014 AP Stylebook I can have for the semester?"
I tucked my phone in my pocket and headed out to the bookstore across campus.  By the time I got there, comments had accumulated on Facebook.
Several journalist friends who work in newspaper had responded to offer me their copies.  Each one noted the year of their version.  The most recent copy was 2003.

Who says reporters aren't funny?

***

Elder Son's classmate who was in both my PR and self defense classes last semester also replied on Facebook that she has a copy of the Stylebook I need.  She had bought it for the same class last year.  She is currently across the globe on foreign exchange study.
"Is your book... in the United States?"
"Lol.  Yes."

Her mom is going to drop it off on her way to work tomorrow.
Her mom is my age.
I'm going to call her Mrs. when she gets here.  Because she's my classmate's mom.
Heh.

***

There are 20 students in my spring semester class.
There were exactly 20 desks in the classroom.
When the 19th student arrived, there were two seats side-by-side in the front row.  The teacher invited him to choose any seat he wanted. The student looked at the only two seats available and mused, "I suppose, technically, that is a choice."

I like that guy.

I also really like the gal who was charming and bubbly and introduced herself as socially awkward.
She's someone I really want to sit next to.  She never stopped smiling.

***

Today was a very good day.
Today I am very happy I went back to school.

"I wish that I could be like the cool kids." - Echosmith

When I applied for college about a year ago, I thought, "I'm old, and I'm gonna be different."
At the same time, I thought being old and different made me special.  So I continued on.

On orientation day, I felt very old and different.
And then I got out of my car.
The young man in the car next to mine asked, "Are you here for transfer orientation?  Do you know which building we're supposed to be in?"
Like I knew anything.  But he saw me as a fellow transfer student, not an old, different lady.

With that one exchange, my mind began to change.

Just a few hours later, I found myself in a whole room full of different people known as "non-trads", the non-traditional students.  Adults and commuters mostly.  Older students.  People who kinda looked like me.  So, maybe I wasn't so different.  Or special.

And that was okay.

The first class I took was a junior-level class.  Out of the entire class of 30 students, I was one of three students older than age 25.  On the second day of class, one of them chose a seat closer to me and said, "It's nice to see another non-trad here."  Her name was Aimee, and she and I took turns answering the professor's questions because none of the other students had learned to be brave enough to speak up in class yet.
On the other side of me was a "traditional" junior.  She asked me things like when tests were scheduled and had I started my term paper yet.  Like a classmate would. 
It was nice.

I had just that one class this past spring.  Most of the semester was spent meeting with counselors and other university staff trying to get as many of my 30-year-old credits transferred as possible.  I also picked a lot of brains to find out how to test out of some classes and get credit for real life work experiences.
That was a lot of stuff to accomplish.
I was rewarded with several extra transferred credits that had originally been declined.  And I managed to test out of speech class this semester because I had talked to the right people last semester.

This fall, I walked into my night class fully expecting a room full of non-trads, people who work all day like me who "have to" take classes at night.  I'd been looking forward to maybe making a friend or two.
Not. One. Non-trad.
On top of that, as the instructor took attendance, he called out the name of one of Elder Son's high school classmates.

That should have been it for me.  It couldn't get much clearer that I was old enough to be the mom of any of my classmates.
But I was good with it.  Surprisingly good.

I also have this self-defense class.  This grueling, physical, hard class.
And I'm keeping up with all the 20-year-olds.
(Elder Son's classmate is in this class with me too.  She said to me, "Hey! You're in all my evening classes!"  I replied, "Hey, you're in all of my classes.")

I sometimes forget I'm old and different.
I look around, and I see college students.  I'm doing what they're doing.
They all look the same to me.  And I forget that when they look around, they see a bunch of the same people... and me.

But they don't seem to treat me any different.  The self-defense gals throw me on the floor just as hard as anyone else.
Last night in the self-defense class, I was teamed up with another non-trad.
She felt old and different.  She spent time telling me just how old she felt.  She told me all the reasons why she couldn't do all the self defense things everyone else was doing.  

I thought, "Wow. That sounds like me last year."
I'd guess she was 10 years younger than me, but I felt like I was the younger one of us.

I expected something so much different going back to college at this age.
I thought I'd feel really old being shoved up next to a crowd of younger people.
But I don't.
I find that very surprising.

And just when I start thinking I'm really cool, I'll catch a reflection of myself next to a classmate and realize, "Ah.  There it is.  I'm someone's mom."


I guess the secret is to avoid reflecting too much.  ;-)