Random Letters to No One

Hey newspaper subscriber,

It was brought to my attention today that it's very common for people to call the circulation desk and tell the operators, "Nobody on my street got their paper today."

When in fact, only ONE person didn't get their paper.

And THAT person hadn't talked to any of their neighbors about their papers.
Probably ever.

So, on any day that you don't get your paper, I invite you, on behalf of my son who is a newspaper carrier, to go ahead and call in a complaint, but don't freak out the twelve-year-old who has your route by saying NO ONE got their paper when you really don't know that for a fact.

***

Hey school employee,

If you need paperwork from me, please remember that I'm a grown up.
Don't talk down to me like I'm a student who left their backpack on the bus.
You scolding me for HAVING a DAMN BUSY LIFE that keeps me from remembering one piece of paper that you never DID give me a deadline for returning isn't going to make me want to help you.

Because, damn, lady, it's pretty obvious that I don't give a care about my kid nearly HALF as much as you do, huh? What was his name again?

***

Hey postal carrier,

I'm sorry I couldn't clear a better path through the snow to my mailbox this winter. I did try.
Thank you for managing to deliver my mail anyway. You're a peach!

***

Dear telemarketer,

If you call a radio station, there's a VERY good chance the DJ is recording the call and will embarass you and/or your company mercilessly. Then they'll play the call back over the air for their audience over and over and over. For years.

So, to save you, I am offering you this advice: listen.
When your prey answers the phone, listen to how they answer the phone.

There's a good chance you've auto-dialed a radio station if:

1) They answer the phone with the letter "W" or "K" followed by three more letters of the alphabet.

2) They answer the phone with one letter and a number. B-93, or Q-102, for example.

3) When they answer, they aren't so much talking to you as much as they are shouting at you. "You've got the Morning Zoo! Who's this!"

4) You hear a burst of static and the person on the other end of the line has started speaking before you can hear them. This means they've connected you, and they're already recording if not speaking to you live on the air. Hang up.

I tell you this because I care.
And because mostly I want you to stop trying to sell me stuff while I'm working.