Random Musings

I get really annoyed when people slow down for green lights.

***

(True story)
Two guys sitting at the bar watching female bodybuilders on the TV.

Guy 1: I heard that female weight lifters, because of the steroids, are sterile.
Guy 2: (moment of thought) Why, that's... inconceivable!
Guy 1: (another moment of thought) Yes, but not... insurmountable!

Props to Lanny and Dave. Sometimes I really miss you guys!***

Today, at the grocery store, there was a page:
"Mr. Brown, there's a call for you on line two from someone. Mr. Brown, a call on line two from someone."

Why not just say there's a call on line two?
Why point out that you were too daffy to get the person's name?

TWICE!?!

***

The day we brought my first born son home from the hospital, I wigged out.
Before the husband could carry all my things in from the car, I broke down in the rocking chair, weeping over my infant son. "What if he doesn't like any of the clothes I bought for him?!?"

A not-so-close friend gave birth to her third child that month, so I felt some kinship with her. Thought I could absorb some wisdom from her. I asked her if she had freaked out when she first took her eldest child home.
She said, "No. Why?"
I've hated her ever since.

After that, I figured I was the only one who didn't know how to be a mother (you know, because this woman apparently was naturally good at it), so I never asked anyone again for fear of being laughed at.
Or pitied.

Five years later, a co-worker confided in me that she felt awful and stupid as a mother and hated her child when she first brought her home. I nearly wept for joy in her arms. She and I became instant friends.

I now believe that women who do not freak out are the odd ones, not me.
And I wish I had whatever drugs they are on.

***

The new security procedure at work requires all guests in the building be escorted to and from the first floor lobby.
I had a recording session with a client in our studios, and when we finished, I walked her to the elevator. The BIG BOSS was putting on his coat and stated, "I'm on my way out. I can take her down."
The client eye-balled him up and down and retorted, "I'm pretty sure I can take you down, too! I raised sons, you know!"

***

I work on the top floor of a three story building.
I was in the basement raiding the vending machine when I noticed one of the maintenance guys waiting for the elevator with his trash can on wheels.

"Wanna race to the top?" I asked, indicating that I would be taking the stairs.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm not going all the way up."
And that's a problem because...?

He stepped into the elevator, and when the door closed, I sprinted up the stairs. On the first floor, I pushed the elevator button and stood in front of the door.
When the door opened, the maintenance guy scooted over to make room for whoever was boarding the elevator.  Imagine the surprised and puzzled look he had when he saw me. I told him, "I didn't want to get on. I just wanted to slow you down. Bwah-ha-ha!"
Then I sprinted to the second floor and pushed the elevator button again. This time I sat in a chair and pretended to flip through a magazine while I waited.

The maintenance guy laughed as he exited the elevator.

I'm silly.