Sunday, February 07, 2016

Poll Vaulting

Me:  There's a guy writing on a clipboard up the street. Looks like there are pollsters in the neighborhood.
He:  Let's not answer the door today.
Me:  Can't we just tell them we work in the media and be done with it?
He:  I'll tell them I'm a convicted felon, and I can't vote.
Me:  Then I'll tell them I can't vote because  I'm not 18 years old yet.
He:  Is that the reason I'm a felon, then?

Thursday, February 04, 2016

Donut Crumbs

Co-worker is rubbing his belly enthusiastically when a female co-worker walks by.

She:  What are you doing?
He:  I dropped donut crumbs down my shirt.
He:  It itches!
Me:  Most people put their donuts on the *inside* of their stomachs.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Preparing for the Family Forecast

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster regarding my siblings and the execution of my dad's will. (Miscommunication and high emotions do not mix well, my friends.)
When a co-worker asked me on Friday if things were getting any better with my family situation, this is what I told him:

It's like the weather.
Is it any better?  Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.
The key is to be prepared to deal with bad weather when it *does* come. When it arrives, above all, you have to keep yourself safe.  If you have to go out in it, you have to know how to travel in a way that you don't endanger yourself or others.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016


Me:  What flavor tea are you making?
He:  Green.
Me:  That's not a flavor.  That's color.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Tuition Heavy Household.

As of Tuesday, three quarters of the Ack!Thbbt! household have become real live college students.

The Husband says he feels left out.

Last night and tonight, it has been a delight to talk about professors and class subjects with my sons and have them ask me the same questions back... with genuine interest.

This is a strange, and fabulous new world.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Apparently, I speak programming language.

An experienced programmer on staff is training the new guys at work. I am vaguely aware of their conversation happening behind my left shoulder. Programming language, coding terms, I'm not really paying attention.

But then the experienced programmer's tone changes. I can tell something has gone wrong, and he's turned this into a learning opportunity.
He reviews the situation, and asks, "So, what did you do wrong?"
There's long pause as the new guy considers his answer.

I can't help myself. I answer, "Uh, came in to work today?"
New guy laughs, "I know, right?"
The trainer says, "That is SO the right answer."
And a quiet bystanding co-worker mutters, "I was THIS close to saying that."

Sunday, January 17, 2016


The Husband and Elder Son have spent most of the day working on cars and getting ready for the work/school week ahead.
They have just finished their projects, and Elder Son is heading to his laptop to play on-line games with friends.

Me:  You got a lot done today.
He:  Yeah.  That's about to change.   ::wink::

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Oh, the places you'll go

"Stick with me; I'll take you places.
Then I'll leave you there and deny that I'd ever heard of you." - Me, to new co-worker

Fighting It

Here's how to keep your kids from fighting over your will when you die.

Leave everything to charity.
Leave it all to your church.
Feed the hungry.
Leave it to science to cure the thing that you die of.
In short, give it all away before you die.

The key is to pointedly NOT leave anything to your kids.
If you leave anything that can't be divided absolutely evenly, you run the very real risk of having your heirs argue over whatever they get or think they didn't get.
Leave nothing, and they'll all be pissed off at YOU instead of at each other. Since you're dead, what do you care if they hate you?

Leaving money to your kids won't fix whatever the hell they claim is wrong. 
Money makes smart people do stupid things.
Stupid things like fight over money. 
And suddenly think life should be fair. 
Or that death is fair.

On a serious, non-snarky note:
Make your intentions crystal clear in your will. Leave as little room for interpretation as possible.
If you can, put to rest all disagreements before you die. Talk to each heir personally and explain everything clearly so there's no question what you meant.  Leave them nothing to argue about. 


Guess how my family is handling distribution of Dad's will. 


On a related note, if I win today's Powerball jackpot (or just part of it), I will hand out some serious STFU money.

But I can't just start writing checks.
If I hand out money directly, someone will still be pissed off because the will wasn't "fair".

No.  I'll contact the executor of the will and tell him to make distributions in the way each heir views "fair", and I'll quietly reimburse the trust for all of it.
That way, certain individuals will feel they got everything they wanted from Mom and Dad, and everyone else will believe they got what Mom and Dad had intended.

And maybe then they'll STFU.

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

The Perfect Ring Tone

If it hasn't already been created, some needs to make a ring tone that sounds like...

a vibrating smart phone.