Monday, March 14, 2016

Completely appropriate things to say that I managed to say inappropriately

(Was gonna do homework.  Instead, I'm typing this. You're welcome.)

1)  There are 22 employees at my place of employment.  There are two uni-sex bathrooms.  Half of the staff eats fast food; the other half of the staff eats colon cleansing supplemental nutrition.  Those bathrooms see a lot of action.  My desk is the closest one to the bathrooms.  I smell a lot of action.

About a year ago, the owner's wife installed, in each bathroom, one of those automatic air freshener sprayer contraptions.  I watched her assemble the things.  They both shot her in the face with vanilla scent.  I told her, because I had witnessed this, I was not going to refill them when they ran out and that she'd have to come back and do it.

She didn't come back. 

So, several months after running out of vanilla scent and finally growing weary of poop scent, I dragged a chair into the bathrooms and managed to replace the empty vanilla scent canisters without facial incident.  I set the timer to spray every 15 minutes which is about how often our bathrooms seem to get used.  It seemed like an extreme frequency setting, but at the same time it didn't quite seem like enough.  I put the chair back where it belonged.  And I waited to smell something other than poop.

After a short wait, a co-worker wandered into the bathroom.  When he came out, I pointed at him and enthusiastically (and not at all quietly) asked, "Hey, how's that bathroom smell now?"
Stopped him dead in his tracks.
"Wait!  No!  I just put new spray things in there.  What I mean is, does it smell like vanilla?"


2)  I have a Thermos tumbler that I use every day at work.  I drink chai.  I keep a can of powdered chai in my desk drawer at all times, and our water cooler dispenses hot water, so it's very convenient for me to have this treat whenever I want it.  In the winter, I drink hot chai; in the summer, I ice it.  It's full of sugar and empty calories, and I know I shouldn't drink as much of it as I do, but I do.

Today, I tried to drink water.  Tried to convince myself that I didn't necessarily want or need chai, that I'd be happy to drink whatever was in the tumbler as long as it was not gross.

This worked for a good long time.  But two things happened.
One, the office got cold.
Two, everyone else kept visiting the coffee maker located next to the water cooler which is across from my desk.  And all of their coffee choices smelled so yummy and warm.

The temptation was too much. I grabbed my tumbler full of ice water intending to dump it out in the bathroom sink so I could replace its contents with frothy, warm, sweet chai.
"Fine," I said outloud. "I'm going to get myself a warm beverage!"
The co-workers near enough to hear me watched me get up and walk to the bathroom. 

When I returned with my empty tumbler ready for its powdery mix, one of my nearby co-workers remarked, "We wondered what kind of warm beverage you were going to get... in the bathroom.  But neither of us really wanted to know."


1 comment:

Jessica P said...

warm frothy beverage...well, what can I say, at least you went into the bathroom alone......

chai is awesome. I keep a few varieties of chai at my desk...not powdered tho, looseleaf for me! I brew it nice and hot and add milk and sugar.

You really need to move your desk. No one should have to smell vanilla poop all day. That's dreadful.

Why haven't you moved your desk yet?